I've never been one to journal or even blog for that matter, but maybe this is what I need. Sometimes I have so much to say but I never say it. I hold up my words behind shut lips and swallow them down like pills. My whole life I've had opinions, but most of the time I've kept them to myself. But not now, this time I'm speaking my mind to the world.
Today at a coffee shop in Salt Lake City, my friends and I were talking about a multitude of things but I could only contribute to about 30% of the conversations. This experience has been recurring for about the last year or so and each time I feel I have nothing to contribute to a conversation. Is it because I've kept to myself for the last 6 years? Is it because I'm part of a completely different culture than most of my friends? Or is it simply because I've fallen into the habit of fearing what others might think of me? For me it is a mixture of all three.
In honesty I don't read as much as I should. I don't pay attention to the world. With the exception of major events, I don't know what is happening outside of my social Kine-sphere. Hopefully that will change with time and I can start becoming less selfish in my thinking but for right now I believe that where I am at is okay.
It's okay for me to be self-involved. Sure I could put effort into being a little more world-conscious but how can I relate to the world if I'm not able to relate to myself?
So, how can a blog help me find myself? I don't know, but I hope by taking this journey I can help inspire others to start asking questions about their lives too because if we are fed by the answers given to us than we are no longer ourselves.
For the last 10 years of my life I've been trying to be someone else but today I wipe the slate clean and I write a simple word onto the canvas; "Why?"
The lock behind my lips breaks free and the words flood out of my mouth like liquid silver. My page floods with questions, I pick one up, and contemplate on the answer.