Sunday, September 12, 2010

Knowing what you don't like

We all know what we like and it's very easy, at least for me to say I like this! But how often do we look at something or an experience and find we really don't like it and say to ourselves, "I never wanna do that again." Usually when I experience something distasteful I make myself forget about it. But this is a horrible thing to do! If I forget about what I don't like then I'll constantly fall in the trap of experiencing that thing over again.

I never wanna lose myself again. I hate being completely out of control of my mind that time speeds by and all I have left are bits and pieces of memories of what might or might not have happened. I can assume you know what I'm talking about. I dislike that state of mind.

So, how can I stop myself from falling into that place? For me it's doing what I'm doing right now; talking about it. Talking to friend, writing in a journal, or allowing my hands to explain my feelings through gestures; this is how I stop the habits. And this can be applied to anything but the true test is when friends ask you go do something you don't like. Ultimately you might go just to hang out but with peer pressure added into the mix its even easier to fall into an uncomfortable place. I'd rather hang out with friends who share my same dislikes and likes than to hang out with friends that have conflicting likes. Friends are friends and I can't change them, I can only change myself. I don't wanna stop being friends just because they do something I dislike but I will probably only hang out with them when they are doing things I like as well.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

A new start, a new insight

I've never been one to journal or even blog for that matter, but maybe this is what I need. Sometimes I have so much to say but I never say it. I hold up my words behind shut lips and swallow them down like pills. My whole life I've had opinions, but most of the time I've kept them to myself. But not now, this time I'm speaking my mind to the world.

Today at a coffee shop in Salt Lake City, my friends and I were talking about a multitude of things but I could only contribute to about 30% of the conversations. This experience has been recurring for about the last year or so and each time I feel I have nothing to contribute to a conversation. Is it because I've kept to myself for the last 6 years? Is it because I'm part of a completely different culture than most of my friends? Or is it simply because I've fallen into the habit of fearing what others might think of me? For me it is a mixture of all three.

In honesty I don't read as much as I should. I don't pay attention to the world. With the exception of major events, I don't know what is happening outside of my social Kine-sphere. Hopefully that will change with time and I can start becoming less selfish in my thinking but for right now I believe that where I am at is okay.

It's okay for me to be self-involved. Sure I could put effort into being a little more world-conscious but how can I relate to the world if I'm not able to relate to myself?

So, how can a blog help me find myself? I don't know, but I hope by taking this journey I can help inspire others to start asking questions about their lives too because if we are fed by the answers given to us than we are no longer ourselves.

For the last 10 years of my life I've been trying to be someone else but today I wipe the slate clean and I write a simple word onto the canvas; "Why?"

The lock behind my lips breaks free and the words flood out of my mouth like liquid silver. My page floods with questions, I pick one up, and contemplate on the answer.