I am...

Doing things for the sake of your reactions.
Always questioning because the minute I stop is the minute I become a robot.
Never accepting "just good enough"
I sometimes wonder if I am truly awake.
Everything has an ending, I'm still trying to piece together the multiple tattered threads in my life.
Love is a gift, and I don't give it nearly enough as I want to.

Most of the time I'm listening, but sometimes I'm day dreaming.
Only when I'm bored do I get into trouble.
New experiences arise every day, but sometimes I'm happy with a simple repetitive motion.
Time seems to stop when I remember my dreams.
Every second I am wondering if what I am doing is what Daniel would do.
Time sucks, and so does growing up.
Opposite to what some people may think, I actually have no clue what is going on in my head.
Now more than ever I am wondering you I am.

Becoming Aware of the Moments

I didn't wake up this morning until 12:30pm when I was washing my hands and I realized I had been up for three hours already. Was I really on auto-pilot for those three hours? Its as if I had left my consciousness asleep in my room for the entirety of breakfast and only when I returned to my room did my body and soul reconnect.

This happens all too often in my life. One moment I'm in my room getting ready for the day and then, suddenly it's already the end of the day and I'm taking a shower, reflecting on what happened that day. So how do I stop from disconnecting?

I have to become aware of every moment. If I'm not fully invested in a moment than what was the point of that moment?

Who we are

Why is it so hard sometimes to say what is in our minds?

For me the trouble begins with what I want to say. I want to tell you everything immediately, just get it out there and get it known. But at the same time I want to leave everything unsaid and communicate with you through my body movements.To tell you the truth I am to afraid of what it is I have to say and how I might say it. I want to blunt and I want to be solid in what I believe. But I want to appeal and be compassionate. The key is balance.

I want to say what is in my heart but I am afraid of losing in order to gain. So who cares what you might think but I am human and I still have a long journey home. Every second is a chance to grow spiritually and I'm gonna take my second now.

I don't like to gossip even though I feel compelled to when others are.
I hate Mondays so I dress up to hide the pain I associate with them.
When choosing between eating alone or with someone else for breakfast I would rather eat alone.
After a long stressful day cleaning my room saves me from a stressful night.
I would love to quit playing MMORPGs but the bonds I have created with the people I meet are too strong to sever.
Some days it is too hard for me to get out of bed.
I don't like drama but for some reason I keep starting it.
My family including my pets are my life and not having them in Utah eats away at me.
I mess up so much sometimes that I really hate it when people tell me how to do something.
I question my stability emotionally and mentally on a weekly basis.
I am paranoid that if I hear laughter I will look that way to see what they are laughing at.
I really do care about my friends and the bonds I've made.
I love life earnestly.
I want to have a family and children when I'm older aka 30.
and sometimes when its really late at night I think about how things could have been.

We don't get second chances but we do get multiple tries.
Next time I will make it right.

Knowing what you don't like

We all know what we like and it's very easy, at least for me to say I like this! But how often do we look at something or an experience and find we really don't like it and say to ourselves, "I never wanna do that again." Usually when I experience something distasteful I make myself forget about it. But this is a horrible thing to do! If I forget about what I don't like then I'll constantly fall in the trap of experiencing that thing over again.

I never wanna lose myself again. I hate being completely out of control of my mind that time speeds by and all I have left are bits and pieces of memories of what might or might not have happened. I can assume you know what I'm talking about. I dislike that state of mind.

So, how can I stop myself from falling into that place? For me it's doing what I'm doing right now; talking about it. Talking to friend, writing in a journal, or allowing my hands to explain my feelings through gestures; this is how I stop the habits. And this can be applied to anything but the true test is when friends ask you go do something you don't like. Ultimately you might go just to hang out but with peer pressure added into the mix its even easier to fall into an uncomfortable place. I'd rather hang out with friends who share my same dislikes and likes than to hang out with friends that have conflicting likes. Friends are friends and I can't change them, I can only change myself. I don't wanna stop being friends just because they do something I dislike but I will probably only hang out with them when they are doing things I like as well.

A new start, a new insight

I've never been one to journal or even blog for that matter, but maybe this is what I need. Sometimes I have so much to say but I never say it. I hold up my words behind shut lips and swallow them down like pills. My whole life I've had opinions, but most of the time I've kept them to myself. But not now, this time I'm speaking my mind to the world.

Today at a coffee shop in Salt Lake City, my friends and I were talking about a multitude of things but I could only contribute to about 30% of the conversations. This experience has been recurring for about the last year or so and each time I feel I have nothing to contribute to a conversation. Is it because I've kept to myself for the last 6 years? Is it because I'm part of a completely different culture than most of my friends? Or is it simply because I've fallen into the habit of fearing what others might think of me? For me it is a mixture of all three.

In honesty I don't read as much as I should. I don't pay attention to the world. With the exception of major events, I don't know what is happening outside of my social Kine-sphere. Hopefully that will change with time and I can start becoming less selfish in my thinking but for right now I believe that where I am at is okay.

It's okay for me to be self-involved. Sure I could put effort into being a little more world-conscious but how can I relate to the world if I'm not able to relate to myself?

So, how can a blog help me find myself? I don't know, but I hope by taking this journey I can help inspire others to start asking questions about their lives too because if we are fed by the answers given to us than we are no longer ourselves.

For the last 10 years of my life I've been trying to be someone else but today I wipe the slate clean and I write a simple word onto the canvas; "Why?"

The lock behind my lips breaks free and the words flood out of my mouth like liquid silver. My page floods with questions, I pick one up, and contemplate on the answer.